RANDOM COLOUR EXPLOSION!

Misguided Ghosts - Brick By Boring Brick

Making decisions has never been my forté. I have always got away with not having to make any major decisions, right up until...well about now.

I'm on the edge with one of my relationships. On the surface it's fine but deep down I'm still undecided and I wish I could make up my fucking mind quickly. Hopefully my brain will decide to turn on for the first time in fifteen years...show a sign of activity perhaps?

Generally I'm on the edge. Have been for a while now. Whatever life throws at me I absorb and supress. No violent comebacks, creative, anything. Just absorb and supress. It's not the best method but I recover quickly this way..in the short term. In the long term all the supressions build up, and on a few occasions have resorted in meltdowns, breakdowns, getting so angry I don't remember what happened.Yeah, so I thought of a solution.

I'll run away.
Just remove myself from the pressing situation at hand. I have previously thought about running away but I either got too scared and didn't do it or thought...no I can't miss athletics that would be really suspicious. But this time, I went for it. I was prepared to run. Had my money, oyster card, keys, iPod and phone.

I boarded the bus. This was it my final freedom. I could just remove myself from it all and just go. Somewhere. Anywhere. I just want to leave it all behind and forget for a little while.

But my plan was ruined. By a friend. Because...well they told me they cared about me. They saw me, asked me what I was doing on that bus, saw the look on my face and took me off the bus. I don't know what I was thinking following them off the bus. I don't know what I was thinking in the first place I'm a bit mental. So we were just walking, he all the while trying to convince me to not run. Me moping and giving a pathetic arguement. During this time the sun was shining but I don't think I could have felt and sadder and more confused. But I guess I only felt this way at the beginning because something about him made me open up and just say things I haven't ever told anyone else. Ever. Not because I don't trust people...well that's a lie, I have never trusted someone fully in my life. Okay that's another lie...I only trust ... three people (more or less). Not including my family. But there are just some things you just don't tell anyone. Maybe because you're afraid they will give you the wrong reaction, they won't understand, or you just don't want to. Whatever reasons I had then I forgot at that instant. I told him whatever he asked and slowly by slowly he broke my barriers down. All of the ones I built just came crashing down.
But don't worry they will be reconstructed in due course :)
I don't know what is going on with me. I could have just kept it all inside, he said I didn't have to talk, but I did anyway. Is it attention seeking? I don't know. I held back the tears just as I'm doing now, hoping he wouldn't see me so vunerable. The funny thing was he opened up to me as much as I had him. He said he trusted me, so that's good. Because I don't trust myself anymore. I felt like shit but he made me laugh. I just never thought anyone would ever go to such length as walking me all the way home so I didn't run away. So I rewarded his efforts by not running. It would just be so rude...I really wanted to run though. Where we were walking was so familiar and I saw so many familiar faces. I just wanted to leave them all.
Oh crap here come the tears.Fuck off tears. I don't know how he did it but he made me laugh, a lot. Right at the point where I was on the verge of a breakdown (showing no signs of it obviously, that's how good my acting skills are) but he just ... knew what to do and say. Don't know how but he just did. Just he's so ... helpful. I really cannot describe it adequately that description was really pathetic. But he was being fun and trying to make me forget about running away. He even satme down and gave me a "stern telling off." All these things sound so trivial and random and just plain fucked up but it really helped me. Just talking to someone helped, just hanging out helped, just being with someone else helped. I know I can trust this boy. Okay let's give him a name now, because he deserves it.

Sydney.

Yeah, it's where I want to be right now. As far as possible from where I am now. But there are other random reasons for that name.

Some people don't like Sydney because sometimes he does bad things. I just think he is misunderstood as a person because of the bad things he does. I really like him. I feel I can really really trust him almost as much as Dot Com. Or I may already trust him like I trust Dot Com.

Today was special. I don't really know how to describe it. It was my perfect image of best friends just hanging out, talking having fun. Well all the "I'm running away" aside it was amazing.

I don't want to forget what he did for me and I hope I can return the favour in the future and maybe save him from making a mistake.

Sydney said to me, "I try to help people that matter to me but it usually turns pear shaped." Well I can tell you in this case it isn't true.

Thank you,

Ms.Loco xoxo

Brand New Eyes on repeat :)

Labels: friends, paramore, running