RANDOM COLOUR EXPLOSION!

The Ill Fate Of What Was Going To Happen Anyway

Well some shit happened between the last post and now.

Yeah, shit happened. And I was so happy I was veering away from the depressing blogs about sucky life.

I don't know whether I should elaborate...but I'm going to anyway. It's time I express myself and not hide behind fear of judgement. Well, technically I'm still hiding in this stupid cyber world, living online fantasy games, but nonetheless, here's my story.

Where to begin...urm, I guess the beginning of the year. Yeah, let's start there although I'm pretty sure shit happened before then as well. Well, there were four of us me, Capitano, Dot Com and this other girl who doesn't really have an outstanding feature I can pick up on to call her a name...so I'll call her...Meh.

September: A fresh new start to a new year jam packed full of exams (the reason the blogs are flowing as quickly as treacle)! We four were put in most classes together and we had always been friends before so the bond strengthened.

October - December: Divisions formed. Gosh I sound like a history lesson. But it's the truth. Dot Com went off with Meh even though she denies it profusely and I went off with Capitano. We didn't split during school time or weekends when we were around with each other. It was more in arguements the divisions were always clear cut. We often had arguements at this point. Then the "jokes" came along. I've always been a victim of bullying and usually I cry and move on. It wasn't the joke that hurt, just the fact that the people I thought were my friends would turn around and laugh in my face. I tried to explain to Dot Com once but she didn't understand why I didn't think the jokes were funny. The worst part was when Capitano decided to get in on the act. It's always more painful when it's your "friends." We still all acted as we were Captiano or Meh about I dunno the point is we all disliked each other for one reason or another. They made fun of me at school and confessed to me on msn. For my birthday I got a gold necklace from my Nanny and Meh went as far to say, "I don't like gold. I think it looks tacky." No matter how badly they treated me I still clung onto them because I thought that maybe they would realize that they made me feel like a piece of ... well basically nothing. Everyone's always saying, "You've got so much confidence! You're so popular!" Well guess what. It's acting. Of course when I'm happy I act out but when I feel sad it takes a lot of effort to get out of bed in the morning and face the shit I know I will have to deal with the rest of the day.

I'm not trying to make these three feel bad about what they did to me I just want them to realize how they treated each other. It just happened to affect me as well. But I don't care anymore I'm too broken to be fixed. I just want others to see they put each other through shit for no reason! Your friends aren't you? Or are you? Just be friends and if you can't then don't. But just don't drag other people in. Because some of them get hurt more than you do. See, this is the part where I can be selfish.

THE SELFISH PART: All I do is try and think of others and look where it gets me. I did not want to go to school for three fucking months because I was being bitchslapped in the face by the decisions of other people. I refuse to ever be involved in your shit ever again. I don't care if you hate each other. You have all told me you do. In fact why you even telling me you hate each other. Tell each other! WHY SHOULD I HAVE YOUR SHIT PILED ON TOP OF MY OWN. Why can't anybody else EVER think of ME for once. Just for once! Sometimes I wonder why I haven't done away with my life. But my life isn't a waste. But it's also not a fucking toilet. So keep your business to yourself and stay out of mine. Another thing, slightly off topic. I have a boyfriend now. That does not give YOU the right to make him tell you all my business and be friend him just to by nosy and intrude on all the personal details of the relationship. We don't need a third, fourth or fifth wheel thank you very much.

January: Enter boyfriend. By this point the group has been physically divided. We are just fed up of each other. I see Dot Com and Meh together but Capitano has taken off. So I just wander. I don't care really I don't mind being solo. Then the boyfriend came and my world just got that extra bit more complicated. Capitano has this thing where she obtains the mobile numbers and msn of every boy in the universe so she obviously has my boyfriends. I'm fine with this. All they do is talk, and I know Capitano won't take relationship out of the cyber world because sometimes she seems unable to hold a proper conversation off msn. But I also know that she always has three guys at least, at once. As in she leads them on, on and off msn sometimes. Then they ask her out and she says no. It's just the way she operates. But the part I couldn't handle is her getting too close to my boyfriend. This is where she crossed the line. That situation involved me talking to him and him flat out reassuring me nothing was going to happen. I know it's pathetic I could not confront her about it but I had only been going out with him for two weeks but she was already making a move in him. I was scared that if I talked to her about it I would do something I would regret. But to be honest I should have because for me there would have been nothing to lose except...well really what was there to lose. To be fair I prefer being in her company becuase she amuses often. So that situation with my boyfriend was quickly resolved and Capitano resumed her escapades elsewhere.

The latest episode of 2010 has been the tragic truth of Capitano and ... well basically she slit her wrists with a pen lid. As much as she had pissed me off about the whole invading my territory thing I was still bloody worried about what made her what to harm herself in such a way. You should never wish that upon someone, to hurt themselves in any way. It's not something that should happen to anyone...the depression I mean. She also burnt herself on purpose. She's the best actress I know, always happy and smiling and secretly...I don't know and I don't think she knows why she did it either.

The moral, this shit was bound to happen anyway. But the Capitano thing, never. Never ever again. See I'm contradicting myself. A minute ago I was all for beating her up for crossing the line for my boyfriend. But the whole slitting wrists thing. It's something worth thinking about I guess.

Sorry for dragging it on. This needed to be said. I'm sure I've repeated contradicted and missed out some stuff. No colour or font change shall be put into the blog. The words pretty much emphasise themselves.

Ms.Loco xoxo

Song of the moment : You Me At Six - The Consequence

Labels: 2010, boyfriend, change, friends, shit